eat.pray.love.

8.13.09
I have been doing a lot of thinking about my life. Coming to Africa so many people tell me all about how I am selfless. How I am willing to give up so much to help these people. But I struggle to allow myself to classify this as selflessness. I mean, being here is exactly where I want to be but sometimes I feel like it is letting me off the hook of so many responsibilities I have. If I wasn’t here I would be at home leaving for college. But being here meant I had more time to figure out what I want to do with my life. I don’t know if this is even making much sense. My blog might be turning into my personal therapy session that I allow the world to read. It seems like I am just masking my selfishness with a seemingly selfless passion. It’s the albatross around my neck that no one seems to notice except me. Is being here a manifestation of my inability to commit to something. My own personal way of running from decisions. It seems silly to think that to get away from what I perceive to be hard I run to Africa. Africa is one of the only places that feels like home, but it is far from a vacation. I feel like a lot of the time it is more about me and less about who I am helping and what I am doing. Again, I am reminded that these kids teach me more about myself and love than I could ever do on my own.

I’ve talked about patience a lot while being here. The fast paced American lifestyle I have become so accustomed to be nonexistent in Ugandan culture. The other day I found myself sitting in a matatu (taxi) sweating as if I was in a sauna. When taking public transport in Uganda you first have to go to the taxi park and sit in the taxi waiting for it to fill. They cram 14 people into the taxis. It is very crowded! Depending on when you are getting to the taxi park it can take anywhere from 5 to 45 minutes to fill the taxi. It didn’t seem to bother me on this particular day at the atrocious rate our taxi filled. Forty-five minutes passed and I hardly noticed. Once the taxi headed to Jinja was filled we set out on our forty-five minute drive. After about twenty minutes our taxi began to fill with smoke and we drifted to the shoulder of the highway and came to a stop. All 15 of us, two little girls shared the tiny seat next to me, climbed out of the smoldering hot taxi and stood on the side of the road. At the point it is clear that something is seriously wrong with our taxi. Everyone is screaming at each other in Lusoga in Luganda. Semi trucks carrying exports were whizzing by on their way to neighboring East African countries. But I didn’t seem to notice we have been standing outside the taxi for twenty minutes. I was talking to the little girls who had been practically sitting on my lap for the entire ride. Eventually and empty taxi pulled over and we all hopped in. Around two hours later I finally reached Jinja. My ability to wait has increased tremendously.

Two nights ago I slept in the dorms with the girls. It was a really hard night but worth every second. Before we went to bed all the girls set on my bed and we talked for hours. The older girls asked all about my family and what home is like. They loved hearing stories about my siblings. Our girls love to tell me that I am beautiful. They never let me forget that they think that. Jucienta, a beautiful 13 year old girl, decided I was there African queen. It was the best sleepover I have ever had. The next day I gave a few of the older girls pictures of me with my family. They said that I had such a beautiful family and think my mom is a goddess. But if my brothers ever come to visit I have to watch out for our girls, they think my brothers are really handsome! Although the time before bed was enough to overshadow any of the challenges that sleeping in the dorms bring, it was quite the night. Due to security reasons, the kids are locking inside the doors and can’t leave in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. So they keep a bucket in the room that the kids pee in during the night. It happened to be at the end of my bed. There is a group of thirteen year old girls that keep Musana virtually self-sufficient. They help in the kitchen, wash all the laundry, take care of the younger kids, clean the dorms and serve as parents to many of the kids. One of the older girls, Rebecca, had her sick little brother Peter staying in our dorm. Poor Peter was so sick. He spent the night throwing up and having diarrhea in a bucket in the corner. It was kind of hard to sleep through. Even still, I am excited for our next sleepover!

When I got to Musana the paper beads were a mess. And I frankly had no idea what I was doing. It was a trial and error thing for me. Until I met a young woman named Eunice. She owns a store on Main Street in Jinja selling African crafts to tourists and volunteers. One day I went to Jinja and was asking all the store owners questions about their beads to try and learn all I could. Eunice offered to teach me how to make them. She has been an incredible resource. On Saturday night I am going to eat dinner at her house with her family. I am really excited to spend more time with her!

Today four of the volunteers left. I was very very sad to see them go. It seems weird to think about when there will be no short-term volunteers left. Last night we had a party for the people who left. Our kids loved getting sodas and eating our goat, bobby. I might just become vegetarian by the time I leave.

Tomorrow our kids go home to stay with guardians for 3 weeks. After those 3 lonely weeks they come back and start the new term of school. I am going to miss them a lot!